Feeling the Pulse of my community
I've lived in Orlando twice, the first time from 2008-2010 and most recently from 2020-2023.
One of my favorite memories from that first era were the nights out at Pulse with my friends and Disney coworkers. We would meet up to dance, have a colorful cocktail, share stories from our week and celebrate any milestones within our extended group. We stayed inclusive and frequently welcomed new people to join us, especially if we noticed someone sitting alone.
If you had asked me about Pulse before June 12, 2016, I would have thought fondly about it and my Orlando family. I would have shared big smiles and gratitude about the good memories and lifelong friendships it gave me.
But if you asked me today, I wouldn’t be able to think about Pulse without pausing in sadness at the completely unnecessary and horrific tragedy. June 12th will forever be a day of remembrance for us.
Watching the news that morning was surreal. My mind raced, flashing back like an old-timey picture show.
I pictured each room of Pulse, vividly. It was almost like I was there again. I could feel the rush from dancing and being queer without persecution, and swear I could even smell the bar... which wasn't smoky or sour like so many others. In fact, the relaxed and friendly atmosphere made it one of the only bars I even liked to visit.
I remembered the main room where my favorite bartender, Bobby, worked. He winked at me literally every time I walked in and it always made me smile so big. Somehow that even became a core memory.
Pulse was where we would watch phenomenal drag performers put on one hell of a show, several of whom were contestants on and even won RuPaul's Drag Race.
In truth, it was a legendary place where we felt safe to meet and spend quality time. And before June 12, I envisioned it the way I last experienced it, happy and free.
But on that terrible day, those wonderful memories faded as the reality of what had just happened sank in.
In the past, I was privileged to never be THAT close to a location or a victim of a mass shooting, so I didn’t know how to react. And even though I’m a registered gun owner, I don’t play with guns or take carrying one lightly. And I can assure you that once this happened, my entire outlook on the matter permanently shifted.
Without meaning to, I pictured bullet holes along the once solid walls in that main bar where Bobby would always wink at me. I imagined people running over pools of blood and tripping over themselves as they tried to escape before any bullets could catch them. I heard screaming and felt a fear I hope to never feel again.
The news described it as horrific. Horrific? That word shook me to my core. Envisioning the once safe haven bar we loved to now be a place of horrific tragedy… it broke my heart.
That realization brought my mind back to reality. I “woke” to see real people covered in blood, screaming, crying and begging for help on TV. I saw mothers embracing their children who made it out alive and several more who couldn't find theirs.
I recognized dozens of faces and saw my community turned upside down by a cruel, hateful act of violence. I watched our LGBTQIA+ family be refused when they tried to donate blood because of archaic, stigmatized and prejudicial rules in this country. We weren’t even allowed to save our own people. How would you feel if you were refused when you tried to help? Trust me, it hurts.
But nevertheless we persisted.
The community in Orlando marched. They mourned. They demanded legislative changes that sadly never came. And though I was not in Orlando at the time, I joined them in spirit and donated where I could.
In truth, the fear that this will happen again has never left for most of us. And with over 500 anti-LGBTQIA+ laws being proposed across the country, it only feels like a matter of time before this tragedy happens again.
This is why I teach the 3 A's of Social Development (Awareness, Acceptance and Appreciation) every chance I get.
I believe the key to peace is Appreciation. Appreciation of ourselves and Appreciation of others. Without it there will likely be many more dark days ahead in our future. But it's a fate I take an active role in preventing.
It's not enough for our nations, communities or companies to just "check the boxes" when it comes to DE&I, so I won't rest until I can leave this world in a better condition than how I found it.
How will you join in on this mission?